“There’s very little mercy at the mercy of the wind.   When the rain starts to fall, and there’s no place to hide……..”

                        -Jason McCoy, CCMA 2006 Group of the Year, Juno Award 2006 Winner and Honourary Chairperson of  Grieving Children at Seasons Centre

The Pain of Grief

It is a truism that no matter how much we want to shield our children from pain, grief or any undesirable experiences, we cannot always protect them from what life delivers up to us; sometimes quickly and seemingly randomly, as was the case this week in Montreal as a result of the tragic shootings at Dawson College.

We simply cannot take away the emotional pain which comes upon our children when someone they care about dies. We can, however, provide them (as well as ourselves) with tools to employ when ‘the roller coaster of emotions’ feels overwhelming and we wonder how we will make it through the next hour, let alone the rest of lives bereft of our loved one.

Surprisingly, one of the most effective means to travel through a grief journey is allowing yourself to feel the pain of grief….. to vent your emotions in appropriate ways, such as crying, listening to music, talking to someone, taking a walk or “nesting” when you feel sad, overwhelmed or merely ‘out of sorts’.

Normal Grief Responses

Children

•          Increased energy levels

•          Behavioural changes at school or at home

•          Openly angry or aggressive

•          Physical complaints i.e. Stomach aches, headaches

•          Increased separation anxiety

•          Age regression

•          Temporary eating and sleeping difficulties

•          Repetitive questions

•          May act as though nothing has happened

•          Inability to concentrate

•          Increased need for comfort and physical contact from loved ones

Teens

•          Behavioural changes at school or at home

•          Limit testing

•          Rebellion

•          Impulsiveness

•          Increased moodiness

•          Increased need for peers

•          Increased anger

•          Increased energy level/decrease energy level

•          Inability to concentrate

•          Withdrawal from others

Ways to guide a child or teen through grief

•          Allow children to participate in the funeral/memorial service.

•          Provide a safe feeling environment.

•          Try to maintain routine as much as possible

•          Encourage questions.

•          Answer questions honestly and accurately in age-appropriate language.

•          Reassure them that the death was not their fault

•          Normalize feelings of grief – it is normal to be sad or angry when someone dies

•          Encourage appropriate peer support.

•          Offer clear limits and guidelines.

•          Offer safe expression of anger i.e.) hitting a pillow, paint eggs the colour of your feelings, go to the woods and throw.

•          Role model i.e.) cry if feeling sad, hit a pillow if angry

•          Offer plenty of hugs and cuddling

•          Read books about death and grief

•          Commemorate and Memorialize the Person who died; especially on special days.

This list is not inclusive or exhaustive. It is to be used only as a guide to help identify normal reactions to death. Please seek immediate assistance if you are unsure or concerned about your child or teen.

Susan Laycock, CAE, CFRE         

Executive Director                                                         

Posted in Newspaper Articles